Thursday, January 7, 2010

Blogging = Barfing???

Have you ever felt like you just didn't have the freedom to do something?

No, I'm not talking like the freedom to eat as many double-stuffed Oreos as possible. Or the freedom to drive 90 miles an hour down the highway. I'm talking about something different.

Have you ever felt like you didn't have freedom from the Lord to do something? Like maybe you were suppose to refrain from a decision or a task? Have you ever felt this way, but there was no explanation for it other than it gave you a deep pitted nasty feeling whenever you thought about doing it? Maybe that is what my parents were talking about when they use to say, "You can't go to *fill in the blank* because I said so," and gave no other apparent reason. Ewww, that kind of response from my parental units use to aggravate me, but as much as I hate to admit it, Mom, I understand what you were saying now.

Whenever I have thought about blogging and capturing all my thoughts so fluently (or not) onto this beautiful electronic screen, I would feel like I had morning sickness all over again. Don't you worry though, no pregnancy scare here seeing as I just had a baby six weeks ago (pictures to come).

I think now, after months of reflection and obeying that two minute stomach bug, I finally understand.

As I have vaguely alluded to, my little family (that is only little in stature now, not in number) went through the wringer a few months ago. We were literally hit from behind by people we loved and trusted. And as much as I would like to lie and say that I handled it beautifully - I didn't. I was angry. I was bitter. I was furious. And then I was sad. I was lonely. I felt robbed of a beautiful "well-groomed" life. And then I would be angry, bitter, and furious all over again. I wanted to shout from the rooftops what had happened to us and cripple every single person who had done my family wrong.

Can you figure out why God put a hold on my blogging for a while?

If I had been blogging these past few months, I would have disgraced not only my family, but my Savior as well. In my attempt to "defeat" the wrongs, I would have wronged myself. I would have wronged the picture of forgiveness and grace that the Lord has allowed my family to be. I would have destroyed the good God takes from all evil endeavors by trying to take vengeance into my own hands. Boy am I glad for that "lose my lunch" feeling when looking at my blog site.

But I am finally ready. I am ready to put the past behind me. I am ready to forgive those that hurt me. I am ready to forget the wrongs. I am ready to put behind the friends who turned their backs on us - and be thankful for the ones who picked us up. I am ready to share with you the wonders that the Lord is doing in my family TODAY! I'm ready to share with you about my two beautiful girls and all their silliness again. I am ready to introduce our new bundle of joy and the blessing that he is. Yes, friends, I am ready to start a new.

Just go ahead and consider me a new blogger. I mean, I am the mom of THREE now, so I practically am a new woman. Things I thought were easy before, ain't so easy anymore. Things I once held dear - like sleep and my coveted one hour a day to watch Gilmore Girls - seem like a thing of the past now. But don't you worry, you won't catch me complaining (ok, that's a lie), because I am the mother of three of the most beautiful children in the world, and I can't wait to tell you all about them....


Daniel Dessinger said...

I know EXACTLY what you're talking about, when it comes to the blogging thing. I own a half dozen blogs. But suddenly, about six months ago, the grace was gone.

I had things to say, but each time I signed in to WordPress (which you will eventually use, just as Neal just said on Twitter), I would get this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Our reasons may be different, but I feel ya. God works all things together for the good of them that are called by His name according to His purposes.

Glad to see you back in the blogosphere.

Jo said...

Welcome back, Meredith.

Lindsey said...

I've been through a similar betrayal in the past, and had to go back and delete certain things I wrote in anger or pain. I'm glad you're feeling more peace about things now, and glad you're back... I always enjoy hearing about your wonderful life and family!

Dana said...

Whew, I was wondering what had happened to you! You have been sitting at the bottom of my blog list for quite a while now and I kept thinking your new baby must have been born by now! Welcome back and I can't wait to see pictures!

Heather said...

Meredith, you have a gift for writing. I will not be surprised if you publish a book one day. So glad you're back in the blogging world. Maybe I should take a cue from you ; - )

P.S. LOVED seeing you guys this weekend. Stone is so precious . . . can't believe how much he's already grown! Seriously praying that you guys will end up back in TX so we can watch your gorgeous children grow up together. 'Cause there are good schools down here, too!

Beth said...

love you girl! Glad to read about you guys again. Hope to see you soon!

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