Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Control freak no more! Well, ok, so I am working on it....

If you are a control freak and you know it, raise your hand...

*Insert image of me raising my hand here*

Seriously, I am. When I was in college, I HATED group projects. Don't get me wrong, I loved my fellow classmates as much as the next guy. I also enjoyed the late night coffee sessions to discuss said project. I even enjoyed the cheesy visual props we would make as a group. But, in group projects, you have to relinquish parts of the project to members of the group - and that is where it gets a little squeamish for me.

I would have much rather taken the entire project into my own hands. It makes me nervous to trust someone with something that might effect me in someway. It is something I have had to work on since becoming Mrs. Ben. Luckily, I had a dad who from a very early age, instilled the importance of submitting to his authority so that I might one day submit to my husband. That's not to say, however, that it isn't still a severe internal struggle to hand over the checkbook for balancing, or leave him with the responsibility of taking care of the girls for the whole weekend. I mean, what if he forgets to bathe them for three days. Children can be emotionally scarred by such an experience (hint of sarcasm in that one, even I am not THAT crazy.)

As I have mentioned in previous posts, this controlling nature slides into my spiritual life as well. Oy. This is where things get very serious.

I consider myself a woman of faith. A individual striving for ultimate reassurance and strength in God and God alone. But until these past few months, that statement hadn't fully been tested. Boy it has now, and I am sad to say that I did not pass with flying colors.

Ben still has no job, no income, and its getting hard. The bills are coming, and I look at my checkbook sometimes and wonder how I am going to make this work. This morning, it all kinda came to a head. I decided I was taking matters into my own hands. Over the years, when I have felt this overwhelmed and financial despair I have done one of two things - yell at Ben and tell him we have to do something (this never ends in any sort of resolution, rather I am left with a crushed and broken husband), or I call someone who might help me come up with a solution.

This morning, I followed in my usual routine. I got up from the computer and walked away from the account balance sitting on the screen and headed to the phone. I made it about halfway down the steps, and something stopped me. Something so strong that it got my attention. I stopped to make sure it wasn't just a severe case of pregnancy indigestion or random leg cramp, when I saw my mother-in-laws Bible sitting where she had left it that morning. I immediately felt guilt because I hadn't read that morning. Bummer.

I picked it up and headed over the Acts, the book Ben and I have been studying during this life change of ours. There, in the boldest underlining I have ever seen was Acts 17:24-25

"The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed any help, since He himself gives life, and breath, and everything."

Everything? Really Lord? Even bills that I don't have money for?

Everything? Really Lord? Even peace when I don't know the outcome of...well, of ANYTHING!

Everything? Really Lord? Even comfort when I feel like no one understands?

Everything? Really Lord? The perfect church for us to serve in, even when it seems like there is no perfect fit out there for us?

Yes, Meredith. Everything.

For the first time in my life, I am going to give up control. I got up, went to the computer, and instead of obsessing over how to fix the problem, I wrote our needs in a list, including our monthly bills, needs for the girls, and needs for living - and I gave them to my heavenly Father.

Sounds simple? Well, its not for me. Inside, I am still that girl who doesn't want to give up part of my Freshman speech assignment to the quiet redhead in the back of the class. I am still that girl who writes a two page, front and back list of the girls needs for the babysitter who will be there for a mere two hours. But this burden is not mine to bear anymore.

God and I had a serious talk this morning. By trying to take matters into my own hands, I was robbing my Savior or the privilege to provide in such supernatural ways, that can only be described as miracles. I was robbing Him of the joy He can bring to my heart by providing. I was robbing myself the opportunity to fall more deeply in love with my Jesus as I watch him supply all of my needs, according to His glory. And frankly, I can't wait.

So I have vowed to take the hour from 9-10 pm, every night to retreat to my room, and pray over each of the items on my list. And to be open to His will in providing, that I may be obedient to whatever He asks of me.

I am not expecting my bills to vanish into thin air, never to be seen again - although my God could chose to do that. I kinda think that might be too easy. And I am certainly not expecting God to need my help in the situation. Nope, I am letting God write the story on this one. I will definitely keep you updated on how it unfolds. One chapter at a time....


Christy said...

God uses you in more ways than you'll ever know. I had this exact same experience today. The whole holy crap, we have NO MONEY & we are going to starve to death & die feeling. Ha ha ha! Silly me. If I would have SHUT up long enough, I could have heard His still small voice telling me it would all be ok. Thanks for sharing this.

The Anderson Zoo said...

Thanks for sharing that. What a challenge to write those concerns down and pray for them at a certain time every day. I am going to do that. Can't wait to hear how God answers all your concerns.

Memaw and Poppy said...

WoW! Did I raise this confident, godly woman who still teaches me something everyday? :)

Lindsey said...

Hey Meredith! I found this blog through facebook and just read a few of your posts this morning. Love it... your family is wonderful, and your heart for God and faith in Him is inspiring.

Really awesome verse, by the way, and something I needed to hear too. And I love your idea to set aside an hour every day to simply spend time with God and pray over the things that are important to you. Hope you all are doing well, and that God continues to amaze you and build your faith as He provides all you need and more!!

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