Control freak no more! Well, ok, so I am working on it....

If you are a control freak and you know it, raise your hand...

*Insert image of me raising my hand here*

Seriously, I am. When I was in college, I HATED group projects. Don't get me wrong, I loved my fellow classmates as much as the next guy. I also enjoyed the late night coffee sessions to discuss said project. I even enjoyed the cheesy visual props we would make as a group. But, in group projects, you have to relinquish parts of the project to members of the group - and that is where it gets a little squeamish for me.

I would have much rather taken the entire project into my own hands. It makes me nervous to trust someone with something that might effect me in someway. It is something I have had to work on since becoming Mrs. Ben. Luckily, I had a dad who from a very early age, instilled the importance of submitting to his authority so that I might one day submit to my husband. That's not to say, however, that it isn't still a severe internal struggle to hand over the checkbook for balancing, or leave him with the responsibility of taking care of the girls for the whole weekend. I mean, what if he forgets to bathe them for three days. Children can be emotionally scarred by such an experience (hint of sarcasm in that one, even I am not THAT crazy.)

As I have mentioned in previous posts, this controlling nature slides into my spiritual life as well. Oy. This is where things get very serious.

I consider myself a woman of faith. A individual striving for ultimate reassurance and strength in God and God alone. But until these past few months, that statement hadn't fully been tested. Boy it has now, and I am sad to say that I did not pass with flying colors.

Ben still has no job, no income, and its getting hard. The bills are coming, and I look at my checkbook sometimes and wonder how I am going to make this work. This morning, it all kinda came to a head. I decided I was taking matters into my own hands. Over the years, when I have felt this overwhelmed and financial despair I have done one of two things - yell at Ben and tell him we have to do something (this never ends in any sort of resolution, rather I am left with a crushed and broken husband), or I call someone who might help me come up with a solution.

This morning, I followed in my usual routine. I got up from the computer and walked away from the account balance sitting on the screen and headed to the phone. I made it about halfway down the steps, and something stopped me. Something so strong that it got my attention. I stopped to make sure it wasn't just a severe case of pregnancy indigestion or random leg cramp, when I saw my mother-in-laws Bible sitting where she had left it that morning. I immediately felt guilt because I hadn't read that morning. Bummer.

I picked it up and headed over the Acts, the book Ben and I have been studying during this life change of ours. There, in the boldest underlining I have ever seen was Acts 17:24-25

"The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed any help, since He himself gives life, and breath, and everything."

Everything? Really Lord? Even bills that I don't have money for?

Everything? Really Lord? Even peace when I don't know the outcome of...well, of ANYTHING!

Everything? Really Lord? Even comfort when I feel like no one understands?

Everything? Really Lord? The perfect church for us to serve in, even when it seems like there is no perfect fit out there for us?

Yes, Meredith. Everything.

For the first time in my life, I am going to give up control. I got up, went to the computer, and instead of obsessing over how to fix the problem, I wrote our needs in a list, including our monthly bills, needs for the girls, and needs for living - and I gave them to my heavenly Father.

Sounds simple? Well, its not for me. Inside, I am still that girl who doesn't want to give up part of my Freshman speech assignment to the quiet redhead in the back of the class. I am still that girl who writes a two page, front and back list of the girls needs for the babysitter who will be there for a mere two hours. But this burden is not mine to bear anymore.

God and I had a serious talk this morning. By trying to take matters into my own hands, I was robbing my Savior or the privilege to provide in such supernatural ways, that can only be described as miracles. I was robbing Him of the joy He can bring to my heart by providing. I was robbing myself the opportunity to fall more deeply in love with my Jesus as I watch him supply all of my needs, according to His glory. And frankly, I can't wait.

So I have vowed to take the hour from 9-10 pm, every night to retreat to my room, and pray over each of the items on my list. And to be open to His will in providing, that I may be obedient to whatever He asks of me.

I am not expecting my bills to vanish into thin air, never to be seen again - although my God could chose to do that. I kinda think that might be too easy. And I am certainly not expecting God to need my help in the situation. Nope, I am letting God write the story on this one. I will definitely keep you updated on how it unfolds. One chapter at a time....

My how they have grown.

Ok, here they are. The much anticipated, updated pictures of my darling daughters.

You won't believe how much they have changed. It makes me sad just thinking about it.


The above picture is of course, Peyton Layne, as she cheers on her two uncles at their high school football game on Monday night. It was sweltering hot, so she proceeded to dump mama's water bottle all over herself. A task she got to repeat several times because Memaw kept refilling her water bottle. Gotta love those Memaws.

And here is Ellie Kate with her uncle Josh, sitting outside what appears to be the hall bathroom. There were nine bathroom users in the house this weekend, so who knows? Maybe they were anxiously awaiting their turn. Or maybe they were just hanging out. Those uncles of hers would sit anywhere with that little munchkin.

While visiting, the girls got to pet and feed horses, eat yummy southern food, take lots of walks in the stroller, watch some good ole' college football, celebrate my youngest brother's fifteenth birthday, and cheer on the boys in some serious high school football. We had a great time with my family this weekend, and while it was hard to say goodbye, we are glad to be back at Mimi and Papas and our own beds. We missed them a lot.

Please fasten your seatbelts...

Hello long-lost blogging friends of mine. Ive missed you.

Amidst my house packing, u-haul driving, job changing, toddler raising, baby #3 cooking ways, Ive neglected you, and for that I am very sorry.

Not as sorry as the tons of e-mail and facebook messages I have received from all of you, my lovely readers, wondering what on earth has happened to me. Never fear, however, this family is trudging forward amidst the chaos that seems to be circling amidst us.

We are currently living at my in-laws, who have graciously opened their arms for us to come and stay as long as we need it. It might be more of an interesting story to say we are roughing it all packed into one bedroom, but I would be lying. They have a more than large enough house to accommodate all of us. Each of the girls have their own room, Ben and I live in the upstairs (all by ourselves!) and there is even one more open room for visiting guests. While it is not a permanent plan for us, and while its not a home of our own - I can think of no better place to be during this transition period for us.

Wondering about the job hunt.....?

Me too.

Amazingly enough, God continues to astound me everyday. Even though He is the God of the universe, I still can't believe He does the little things for me everyday. You know, those things I was convinced He would need MY help with. Sometimes I wonder if Gabriel and his buddy angels sit around with a big bowl of popcorn watching the latest Meredith comic sitcom. It would be entitled, "Good grief, when is this girl going to get it." God really is amazing - despite my efforts to butt in.

Ben has applied at several places of which I would love to go into great detail as to their progress, but unfortunately, I can't. Give me about three weeks, and I will update you all on every specific happening that our amazing Savior is doing for this family. Keep us in your prayers, though. It can be discouraging for any man to be out of the work he feels the Lord has called him to. Sometimes, I will catch Ben in the middle of a group of random teenage boys in the mall, just talking about football, or he will spend an entire afternoon setting up a 50 foot slip-in-slide made out of tarp for the neighbor's 17th birthday, and he is even visiting local youth programs just to "see whats going on." The boy definitely has a calling and God is using his ministry in unconventional ways. And I love him for it.

And how about those adorable munchkins, you ask?

Ellie Kate is doing fabulous. She and Peyton both attend a learning center here twice a week for preschool children and they are learning massive amounts of things. The other day, Ellie Kate came home singing the B-I-B-L-E and saying the pledge of allegiance. I had to have her repeat it just to make sure I hadn't hallucinated for a brief moment. She is getting very excited about the arrival of her new little brother and remains a fabulous big sister to Peyton. She is having minor adjustment issues that I assume are very typical. She is having her "teachable" moments a little more often and still asks about going home. She loves living with Mimi and Papa though, and I have a feeling they don't mind much either. The other day when Mommy and Daddy both said no to something, she went to ask Mimi. Mimi quickly said, "Ellie Kate, what did your mom and dad say?" To which Ellie Kate replied, "I want to call Granny Billy," who is Mimi's best friend and ultimate pushover for anything my two year old says. And who says children don't know the different between right and wrong until they are 4. Sheesh!

Peyton is, well....shes still Peyton. Spunky. Dramatic. Cuddly. And Hilarious. She makes me laugh every single day. She is walking all over this house, but gets frustrated because she still wobbles. She also loves the learning center and is thriving. She loves her teachers, who are working with her on music, sensory skills, and being without mommy - something she has never done. Its only twice a week though, and she is doing great.

I promise to post pictures of both very soon. Well, as soon as I unpack my digital camera.

Baby Livingston is doing great. He is by far the most active child I have ever had in my belly. He keeps me up sometimes at night, but better now than in three months. Yep, only three more months. Thanksgiving to be exact. We will be using my same midwife that I had originally planned on using, which means I will head down to our old stomping ground two week prior to my due date. I hope I won't have to spend Thanksgiving without my family, but if so, I have enough family there to keep me occupied.

Ben and I and the girls are headed to visit my folks in Missouri for a few days. They are some of Ben and I's ministry mentors and we are looking forward to late night talks about what is next for our family. Not to mention some great cooking and football watching that we are also looking forward to.

SO there it is, us in a nutshell. Sorry it has taken so long to update all of you on our happenings. God is great and worthy of all our praise and we are more than happy to give it to Him. Keep us in your prayers, and I promise to update some pics soon.

I missed you all. Its good to be back!